


Cut To The Feeling

by zaphodthebb



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, also angst but liiiike whatever, fluffy as frick, lol this is the first fic i've written in years, this is literally the first thing i've ever posted on this website
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 06:05:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11155794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaphodthebb/pseuds/zaphodthebb
Summary: Post Blackwing rescue, Todd is awake and on guard duty. He's had too much coffee. Also, Dirk can't sleep.





	Cut To The Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I wrote this for my dear best friend Persie (@birdmask on Tumblr and @birdmasks on Twitter) for her birthday and she urged me to share it with other people, so even though I haven't written fic in years, I'm posting this here. Dirk's outfit and the Rowdy 3 outfits are based on some BTS filming photos, so slight spoilers there I guess? Other than that, it's just me imagining a potential scene during s2.
> 
> (also yes the title is from the new CRJ, I feel like Max would approve)
> 
> (also go wish Persie a happy birthday! she's the best and kindest person and I owe her so much! <3)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @pomegranate and on Twitter @zaphodthebb!

If someone had told Todd a month ago that he’d be on the run from the CIA, he would have laughed.

It was the furthest thing from the reality he’d been living. A thirty-three-year-old bellhop with no friends, no life, no future - what interest would the CIA have in him? Todd had previously thought of himself as one of the most boring people on earth.

And now, here he was, on the run from the CIA - keeping watch on the front porch of a cabin in the middle of nowhere, rubbing his eyes and fighting back another yawn as he tried desperately to stay awake. He couldn’t let his guard down - not while Farah and Dirk were sleeping in the cabin.

Farah, who’d taken the wheel completely on their rescue mission. Farah, who had more resources than he would have thought possible. Farah, who apparently knew of a secret cabin that Patrick Spring had in the depths of the woods somewhere in remote Washington.

Thank fuck for Farah, honestly. They’d be dead without her.

Todd stood up and stretched. He needed more coffee if he was going to stay up all night. It was his job to stay on guard. Farah had been doing the bulk of driving and Dirk was in no state to keep an eye out for his captors.

Closing the front door quietly, Todd made his way to the tiny kitchen, keeping his eyes on the window over the sink as he brewed himself another pot of coffee. It may have been his third, but who was keeping track?

Taking a mug back outside, Todd sat down on the porch again and stared into the darkness.

His thoughts were a jumbled mess after everything that had happened over the past few weeks. The jailbreak from Blackwing had only happened a few days ago, but everything that preceded it was weighing on his mind too. Meeting up with Amanda and Vogel, teaming up with that wild-haired woman with the maniacal grin and her overwhelmed friend, and then the explosion at the CIA compound, the three psychic vampires busting through the wall screaming, clad in white and red jumpsuits, and Dirk, stumbling towards him in that horrible grey jumpsuit, his face pale, his eyes bloodshot - 

Todd shook his head. He didn’t want to think about how Dirk had looked at that moment. How utterly colourless he looked. It wasn’t right.

Instead, he took a sip from his coffee and thought of how Dirk had beamed at him as they raced down the highway in the rusty sedan Farah had traded for her SUV.

 _“I knew you’d come,”_ Dirk had said, smiling so brightly as though Todd might not notice the tears brimming in his eyes. His voice shaking as though he didn’t actually believe the words he’d spoken. As though he didn’t actually think they’d come for him.

Closing his eyes and focusing on his coffee, Todd took a deep breath.

Sometimes it was hard to believe that this was his life now. Hard to believe that his whole world had become wrapped up in a holistic detective who he’d met only a few weeks ago.

Todd’s eyes flew open as he heard the door open behind him. He twisted around to look as Dirk peeked outside, his eyes falling on Todd where he sat on the edge of the porch.

“Hey, Dirk.”

“Hi.”

Dirk closed the door softly and sat down next to Todd.

Neither of them spoke for a moment, Todd taking another sip from his mug.

“You should be resting,” he said finally, breaking the silence.

“Can’t sleep,” Dirk replied.

“Ah.”

Another beat of silence followed.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Todd ventured, uncertain.

Dirk shook his head. “Not yet.”

Todd nodded. He didn’t want to push Dirk. He had no idea what Dirk had undergone in the two weeks it had taken them to track him down, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that it was likely pretty horrible.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the wind moving through the trees above them, crickets chirping a monotonous tune.

“I haven’t thanked you, by the way,” Dirk said quietly, his voice cracking a bit.

Todd smiled wryly, shrugging. “It’s not, uh … you don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes, I do,” Dirk insisted, “You and Farah. You both … “ He paused, gathering his thoughts. “You’ve put yourselves in terrible danger. For me, to get me out of - “ he gestured, not saying the name that hung heavy between them “ - and you barely even …”

Todd didn’t say anything, waiting for Dirk to continue.

“I came into your life and it all went a bit shit for you, and when … _they_ came, you could have just said, ‘Well, he’s out of the way, that’s that’ but you didn’t, and … so … thank you.”

Dirk fell silent and stared at the ground.

Todd put his mug down beside him and turned to Dirk, putting his hand on the other’s knee. He felt warm, despite the cool night air.

“Dirk,” he said softly. “First of all, I was always going to be involved. The universe and everything. A time loop, some grandiose plan, whatever. You’ve said it yourself. That’s how this works, and I’ve kind of accepted it by now. Secondly, I know you would have done the same for me. Because we’re friends. Alright?”

Dirk met his eyes and stared at him, in something akin to wonder.

“Alright?” Todd repeated, feeling a blush creep over his cheeks under Dirk’s gaze.

He nodded, finally, and smiled, and Todd felt something warm twisting in his stomach.

“Good,” he said, pulling his hand away, feeling self conscious all of a sudden. He pretended not to notice how Dirk’s eyes flickered to where Todd’s hand had been a moment ago, and how his expression fell slightly at the loss of contact.

Picking up his mug again, Todd swallowed another mouthful of coffee. He glanced at Dirk out of the corner of his eye, taking in the other’s profile in the moonlight. 

It was hard to believe that Dirk was here with him, again, after everything that had transpired. Todd honestly didn’t know how they’d pulled off the escape. 

He thought about Amanda, yelling at him to go as she jumped in the van with the Rowdy 3. He hoped she was safe. She’d been texting with Farah and they were due to meet up in a few days, but Todd didn’t know how much he could rely on her posse of deranged anarchists. He missed her desperately. He also knew she didn’t miss him.

He thought about his parents, who had called him frantically after they’d been on the road for a few days. The CIA had contacted them and let them know that their son and daughter needed to come in for questioning. Todd had done his best to reassure them, even though this was beyond anything he could possibly explain. He assured them Amanda was safe, even though he hadn’t known whether or not that was true at the time.

He thought about Farah, hopefully sleeping off the severe exhaustion she’d been showing as they pulled up to the cabin. There was no way they would be here without her. And Todd knew she was sick with worry about Lydia - she’d been assured that the girl was safe in whatever far-off country Farah had hidden her away, but the stress of it all was clearly catching up with her.

He thought about the first pararibulitis attack he’d had after they’d broken Dirk out of Blackwing. It was raining and the water on his skin felt like acid burning through to the bone. He remembered Dirk’s face, how pale he’d gone. He remembered how the world became a blur, how all he could focus on was the pain. He remembered someone giving him a pill and the pain gradually subsiding, Dirk’s hands on either side of his face, his lips moving without Todd hearing the words. He remembered the world coming back into focus with Dirk’s thumbs stroking his cheeks, underneath his eyes, wiping away his tears.

Todd finished off his coffee and set the empty mug down next to him. He rubbed his forehead. He was exhausted and all the coffee had managed to do was make him twitchy.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dirk asked tentatively.

Todd sighed. “I just … wish I could do something. Do more.”

“What do you mean?”

Shrugging helplessly, Todd said, “Honestly, you’re thanking me, but you should be thanking Farah. She’s done all of this. I really haven’t been that helpful.” _I’ve been a burden, if anything,_ he added silently, thinking about his attacks.

Dirk stared at him for a long moment. Todd felt weirdly exposed, as though Dirk could read his thoughts.

Finally, Dirk spoke. “Farah _is_ amazing,” he said slowly, “there’s no doubt about that. But honestly, Todd, you’ve got to stop selling yourself short.”

Todd opened his mouth to speak, but Dirk cut him off.

“You’re here. You’re awake, right here, right now, even though you’re beyond exhausted. You’re taking care of Farah just as much as she’s taking care of you, even if you don’t see it. You’re dealing with the universe’s cruel sense of irony with the onset of a rather dreadful disease. Bloody hell, the fact that you’re here at all is _enough_ for me, it really is, and I wish you could see -“

Stopping himself mid-sentence, Dirk realized he had grabbed Todd’s hands in his own while he was speaking. He looked at their joined hands for a moment, seemingly startled by this development, before letting go. 

Todd’s brain was urging him to pay attention to what was happening. While he tried to gather his thoughts, which were running rampant in a haze of exhaustion between his ears, Dirk continued, his voice trembling somewhat.

“I’m very glad,” he said, bringing his hands together in his lap lest they stray again, “that you’re here.”

Todd waited for Dirk to say more. It didn’t happen.

Dirk was staring at his hands in his lap, fingers twitching slightly.

Todd was so tired. So, so tired. He was tired and staring at Dirk, his gaze wandering from Dirk’s fingers fidgeting to his lips, his eyes, his throat as he swallowed nervously,

Honestly, fuck it.

Todd leaned in and pressed his lips against Dirk’s. His brain was suggesting that this was the right move, and he couldn’t tell if it was the caffeine or the lack of sleep or the constant ache in his chest whenever he looked at Dirk, but it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

When Dirk froze against his lips, it occurred to Todd that maybe he had made a mistake. He pulled away and muttered, “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t -“

He didn’t get much further than that. Dirk surged forward and brought their lips together again in a desperate kiss, and Todd’s words were cut off as he groaned into Dirk’s mouth. Dirk’s hands had come up to cup Todd’s face and Todd reached out blindly, clutching at Dirk’s grey shirt, pulling him closer.

After far too short a time, Dirk pulled away slightly to catch his breath, Todd resting his forehead against Dirk’s. He ran his fingers up and down Dirk’s arms, trying and failing to come up with something to say. What was there to say? Besides everything, really. There was too much to say and no way to communicate it.

It was Dirk who spoke first.

“And you say you’re not being helpful,” he murmured, his lips grazing Todd’s in a half-attempt at another kiss, tentative, careful.

Todd chuckled, briefly, his lips connecting with Dirk’s again. He knew this deserved a lot more thought than he was giving it at the moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Do you think,” he said softly, once they’d parted again, “you might be able to sleep once Farah takes over the watch?”

Dirk had sought out Todd’s hands once again, his fingertips running over Todd’s palms, exploring tentatively while he caught his breath. Todd’s gaze was flickering between their hands and Dirk’s lips. He desperately wanted to keep kissing him.

“I think I could give it a try.”

Todd nodded, unable to stop himself from smiling widely. He knew this would all catch up with him in the morning - they were on the run, they were in danger, he was still a liability to Dirk and Farah - but the brand new light in Dirk’s eyes was enough for now.

“In the meantime, you never did finish telling me about the case you had where Thor was there for some reason. Was this like, Marvel movie Thor or what?”

Dirk’s eyes went wide and he grinned.

“Oh, Todd, you have no idea.”


End file.
